Nothing, really. I'll be glad if someone takes a minute or two to read my thoughts, but the process of writing is going to offer me much more than trying to reach a certain number of hits on my blog. I'm just a 31.5 year old woman (the only other time women describe their age in halves besides when they are under 21 trying to seem older is when they are trying to have children - it is always in the back of my mind that I'm closer to 32 than I am 31, which is the wrong direction for baby making) that has struggled down the road of trying to start a family.
Our story:
Back in early 2011 I was driving to work and basically hit a huge mental roadblock. An idea had popped into my mind and I was unable to move past it until I explored it, first on my own but then also with my husband. We had been married barely a half of a year and had been together for many years before getting engaged, but I had this immediate urge to start discussing having a baby. I had never been one of those girls that just couldn't wait to get married and have kids, but I just felt like I was running out of time. Infertility affects one in 8 couples, but fortunately for all of my friends and family I only knew of one other couple that had issues getting pregnant. I couldn't be happier for everyone in my life that have babies or are pregnant, but to be honest, it really frickin sucks that we're the one in 8 (or in our case, one in like 50 of all of our family and friends).
You know how some people live better in the unknown, like they enjoy not knowing what life will bring them next or are spontaneous enough to get to Friday night without any plans and then wake up Saturday morning having had the best night ever? That nonchalant quality that some people have is exactly the opposite of me. I need to know what is coming next and if I don't, I will plan it. I need some form of control over most things in my life by keeping organized, being prepared, researching, talking with people, and observing. Neither way of living life is right or wrong, but in the case of trying to get pregnant, my way needs to become the highway so I can find some peace within today. Oh and, by the way, my husband is the live in the moment kind of guy, so needless to say we butt heads frequently on this subject. Just today he said to me, "I'm sorry I'm not worried about 10 years from now!!!"
So basically I'm fighting a battle between surrendering my future and trusting in God or whatever or whomever decides what our fate will be, and needing to know whether I'll be able to become a mom one day. I find hope in reading other blogs of people that struggled with infertility and now, just like everyone else that has children, they too complain about them in the most loving way.
I can't wait to be one of those infertility bloggers turned mommy that is able to reflect on this journey while listening to the pitter-patter of little feet running around the house.
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