Time to wake up.

I'm not calling myself a blogger just yet.  I don't know what that even means.  But I suppose if I was a blogger, I would think a month and a half hiatus of blogging meant something was wrong.  And well, there is.  You know that I was in San Francisco last month in hopes that the "third time" of IUI would be a charm.  And you also know that if in fact, third time was a charm, I would have posted approximately 2 weeks after that trip.  Not the case.  And I'm actually approaching the fourth time's not a charm either date.

I should back up.

When we started down this road I had this feeling it might not be easy.  If you weren't aware, it can go either way.  A couple months of "work" and bam!  With child!  Or, say a longer trip like what we've been through.  By month 8 I believe, I had my yearly *lovely* visit to the gynecologist and asked her what the hell was the problem??!!  BTW I told her it had been a year of trying - I figured a little white lie in this situation wouldn't hurt... But even so my doctor didn't seem concerned.  She even pointed to the waiting room and said, "Have you seen the ages of the ladies in the waiting room?  You're fine."  But I sure didn't feel fine.  See, at first I wasn't married to the idea of getting pregnant within those first several months.  We weren't ready.  We were still going out every weekend and enjoying childless nights.  But by that appointment, things started to get real for me.  She told me to make an appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist for 6 months down the road because maybe couples get pregnant during that time just knowing they have a plan (great, but we weren't one of them).  I made the appointment for 3 months later and before we knew it we were the young looking kids (for whatever reason we both look much younger than our ages) in the infertility waiting room.  What a weird first experience that was.  I'll save that for another day.

Sorry for the inappropriateness of this photo but I just had to... it explains my feelings pretty well actually... ;)


But seriously, it was time for us to wake up and figure out our next steps.  Not just sit around (okay I realize there is more than sitting around involved in trying to have a baby!) and hope for the best.  Though that works for some, it didn't work for us.  I'm writing about this because I struggled with the morality of getting help for a long time.  Babies are supposed to be born naturally.  It has been happening forever.  Are we just the couple that 50 years ago just wouldn't have been able to have kids at all?  Am I interfering with life/God's plan?  I don't know, maybe I am.  But we've committed to the process and in the end, are still needing to hope for the best.

So if you are struggling with anything like this, I sincerely hope:
1.  You have not spent nearly as much of your brain power focused on it as I have
2.  You realize that whatever decision to take to have a child, whether Assisted Reproductive Therapies, adoption, surrogacy, or hoping for the best, it is your decision.  Don't let anyone else tell you what is right.
3.  On that note, don't feel bad exploring what is out there.  You don't have to do any of it.  But checking it out might help.

The things we do...

FOR A BABY!!!  And I hope my baby whenever he or she comes appreciates it!!!!  :)


Here is my upcoming week:

Monday: work, babysit neighbors kids

Tuesday: work, therapy appointment

Wednesday: work, nutrition appointment, acupuncture appointment

Thursday: Ultrasound in the morning to see how many and the size of my eggs plus get an HSG shot to time my ovulation perfectly, work, watch Bears game, pack suitcase for tomorrow

Friday: IUI (artificial insemination), acupuncture appointment.................................................FLY TO SAN FRANCISCO!!!

Why?  Because my husband has to go for work and therefore I need to go to in order to follow the IUI plan!!  Our doctor recommends having "love" as he calls it 12-24 hours after the IUI procedure, so off to Cali I go.  We asked if it was a big deal to skip that part and got a "look."  So I took that as, somebody get me a plane ticket!  I don't care if I'm sitting in the cargo hold!  Just get me to San Fran!  Okay some of you may be thinking, well sure you get to go on vacation, why wouldn't you go?  But it took a lot of hours of planning to decide what the best action was.  Would his boss let me come on the work trip?  Would my boss approve a day off?  Could we get flights later in the afternoon to have us leaving enough time for the IUI in the morning and get there in time for "love" at night?  Could I get back in time to start work the next week?  Mind you, we were discussing these plans TWO WEEKS before leaving.  Flights two weeks beforehand are a pretty penny.  So did we want to spend the money on the 10-20% chance the IUI would work or just move on to next month?  After all the discussion, we decided to go for it.  And if it fails again this month (third times a charm right??) then at least we got a nice little vacation out of it.  And actually, I just realized that this could serve as our babymoon.... things are looking up!

As of now everything seems to be working out ok - bosses said yes, and got flights at great times for not terrible prices, but I am currently sitting outside of the reproductive endocrinology office at 6:25am so that I can get my ultrasound done first.  BTW someone was already here when I got here, damnit, so now I'm second.  I learned the hard way the first time when I showed up late and got ultrasound number 16, which got me to work pretty late both days I had to come here.  So I'm hoping by being second this time I can still get the first IUI appointment tomorrow morning in order to get to my acupuncture appointment and to the airport!  So I'm not in the clear yet but again, maybe third time's a charm....

What exactly is a "babymoon"?

Wikipedia Definition of "babymoon":        

"1. The original meaning is a period of time that parents spend bonding with a recently-born baby.  

2. More recently the term has come to be used to describe a vacation taken by a couple that is expecting a baby in order to allow the couple to enjoy a final trip together before the many sleepless nights that usually accompany a newborn baby. 

3. Babymoon can also be used for a trip taken by a couple even before they get pregnant. As long as the trip is intended to be a final romantic fling before venturing   into parenthood, the term babymoon applies."

So which one is my definition?  To narrow it down for you, I am not prenant, nor do I have a cuddly, tiny little child that requires my love and attention 24/7.  And referring to the title of my blog explains that my babymoon is not on purpose and longer than necessary, so I am most likely not on a "final romantic fling."  I suppose I need to write my own.  Here goes:

My Babymoon Definition:
An incredible journey that began in hopes (also fears) of becoming a mommy to a beautiful baby of my own and creating a family of at least five (with my husband and our two super needy dogs).  This babymoon began innocently enough a year and a half ago, only researching the little information needed to pro-create.  Slowly month after month with no sign of any success, my plates of worry began to stack one on top of the other until it was too high to reach.  I have been hanging out in that place for 16 months now (which I realize many people struggle with this for years and my heart aches for them).  The idea to call my journey a babymoon came about recently, because I needed a positive term to describe something I have been dealing with for awhile now and is also ambiguous enough to imply that I won't be giving up anytime soon (even though I say I'm going to every month).  I have no idea when this babymoon will end, or if it will, and I do not know what the outcome will be, which is the hardest part. 

I do hope the end of my journey will yield an actual real-life baby :), but until then I am floating around in this mixture of excitement of what is to come one day, worry for what may not be for awhile or may never be, sadness from feeling pressure and guilt and painful interactions with others, yet bloom a newfound hope each month.  So that's my definition.  Confusing, maybe, and a little tough to follow at times, but it's my path and my journey, that I bet many of you are floating around next to me as well.  

What's so special about my blog?

Nothing, really.  I'll be glad if someone takes a minute or two to read my thoughts, but the process of writing is going to offer me much more than trying to reach a certain number of hits on my blog.  I'm just a 31.5 year old woman (the only other time women describe their age in halves besides when they are under 21 trying to seem older is when they are trying to have children - it is always in the back of my mind that I'm closer to 32 than I am 31, which is the wrong direction for baby making) that has struggled down the road of trying to start a family.

Our story:
Back in early 2011 I was driving to work and basically hit a huge mental roadblock.  An idea had popped into my mind and I was unable to move past it until I explored it, first on my own but then also with my husband.  We had been married barely a half of a year and had been together for many years before getting engaged, but I had this immediate urge to start discussing having a baby.  I had never been one of those girls that just couldn't wait to get married and have kids, but I just felt like I was running out of time.  Infertility affects one in 8 couples, but fortunately for all of my friends and family I only knew of one other couple that had issues getting pregnant.  I couldn't be happier for everyone in my life that have babies or are pregnant, but to be honest, it really frickin sucks that we're the one in 8 (or in our case, one in like 50 of all of our family and friends).

You know how some people live better in the unknown, like they enjoy not knowing what life will bring them next or are spontaneous enough to get to Friday night without any plans and then wake up Saturday morning having had the best night ever?  That nonchalant quality that some people have is exactly the opposite of me.  I need to know what is coming next and if I don't, I will plan it.  I need some form of control over most things in my life by keeping organized, being prepared, researching, talking with people, and observing.  Neither way of living life is right or wrong, but in the case of trying to get pregnant, my way needs to become the highway so I can find some peace within today.  Oh and, by the way, my husband is the live in the moment kind of guy, so needless to say we butt heads frequently on this subject.  Just today he said to me, "I'm sorry I'm not worried about 10 years from now!!!"

So basically I'm fighting a battle between surrendering my future and trusting in God or whatever or whomever decides what our fate will be, and needing to know whether I'll be able to become a mom one day.  I find hope in reading other blogs of people that struggled with infertility and now, just like everyone else that has children, they too complain about them in the most loving way.

I can't wait to be one of those infertility bloggers turned mommy that is able to reflect on this journey while listening to the pitter-patter of little feet running around the house.